Ocean Prime Drinks If They Were White Lotus Characters
Victoria “The Glamorous Mom Who Hasn’t Felt a Real Emotion Since the Early 2000s (and She’s Fine With That)”
Cocktail: Cucumber Gimlet 🥒
Why: She calls it her “spa drink” and fully believes gin is anti-aging. Glossy, dazed, and one cucumber slice away from a full emotional collapse. Nobody knows what day it is — including her.
Belinda “The Enlightened One Who’s Seen It All ”
Cocktail: Take Two
Why: She’s polished, centered, and not falling for the same tricks twice. Light, elegant, and quietly powerful. She knows something about one of the guests that could ruin them — and she’s not in a rush to spill… unless she feels like it.
Chelsea “The Sweet Girlfriend Who Thought This Was Just a Vacation”
Cocktail: Espresso Martini ☕
Why: She packed bikinis and beach reads — not emotional trauma. Bubbly, wide-eyed, and just trying to keep up. Powered by caffeine, confusion, and a deep need to not ruin the vibe.
Rick “The Tough Guy Who’s About to Bubble Over”
Cocktail: Berries & Bubbles 🍓
Why: Sure, he looks like the strong, silent type — but this drink is doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Bubbly, dramatic, and quietly falling apart. Orders it “as a joke,” then stares into the smoke like it said something personal.
Timothy “The Patriarch Who Knows the Truth Will Ruin Him”
Cocktail: Old Fashioned 🥃
Why: Classic, composed, and clinging to control. Orders this to project confidence, but his grip on the glass is saying something else. Smooth on the outside, unraveling on the inside — just like the secret he’s praying no one finds out.
Saxon “The Hot Nepo Baby Who’s Never Heard ‘No’”
Cocktail: Prime Manhattan 🍒
Why: He orders this because it sounds important. Has no clue what’s in it, but sips it slowly while pretending to understand generational wealth. Rich, bored, and just here for the eye candy.
Piper “The Enlightened Daughter Trapped in a Country Club Family”
Cocktail: Piper-Heidsieck Champagne 🍾
Why: She says she’s rejecting materialism, but only drinks bubbles if the label matches her name. Light, bright, and pretending she’s not enjoying the five-star life a little too much. Spiritually on a mountain in Thailand — physically in a pool cabana her dad paid for.
Lochy “The Baby of the Family Just Trying to Survive the Vibe”
Mocktail: Nogroni 🍊
Why: He’s not drinking, but he wants it to look like he is. Orders this to seem sophisticated, then quietly Googles “what’s in a Negroni” under the table. A little bitter, very confused, and silently panicking in linen.
Jaclyn “The A-Lister Who Treats Every Trip Like a Comeback Tour”
Cocktail: Hot & Dirty 🫒
Why: She doesn’t do subtle — and neither does this drink. Briny, spicy, and extra in all the right ways. She’s here to sweat out her sins, steal the spotlight, and maybe your man. Says she’s detoxing, then orders this — extra dirty, obviously.
Kate “The Nice One Trying to Hold the Friend Group Together”
Cocktail: Pineapple Picante 🍍
Why: Sweet, soothing, and just spicy enough to survive this trip. She’s got a blowout, a Botox membership, and the emotional toolkit of a group therapist. Orders this to keep things light — even when everyone else is coming unhinged.
Laurie “The Longtime Friend Who’s Definitely Not Over That One Thing from 2011”
Cocktail: Reposado Paper Plane ✈️
Why: Bitter, bold, and pretending everything’s fine. She sips this while smiling through gritted teeth and quietly planning a dramatic exit. Says it’s all love, but she hasn’t forgotten anything — especially not what happened in Cabo.
Gaitok “The Human Golden Retriever in a Security Uniform”
Cocktail: Tequila Cocktail
Why: Friendly, fresh, and surprisingly thoughtful. He’s here to keep the peace, not start trouble — even if he could snap someone in half. This drink is light with a little kick, just like the guy who says “have a nice day” and actually means it.
Greg “The Guy Who Just Won’t Go Away (And That’s Suspicious)”
Cocktail: Smoked Old Fashioned
Why: Strong, bitter, and served under a cloud of mystery. He sips this like it’s a cover story — slow, quiet, and slightly menacing. No one invited him back, and yet… here he is.
